cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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