i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
