Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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