I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
