I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
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I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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