im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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