You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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