he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
