I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
