just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
