I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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