After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
