i wish my penis had a tongue
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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