I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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