I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize