And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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