Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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