Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
