I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.