every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....