Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
