so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
