The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
