my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
