Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
