my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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