I'm so fucking centered right now
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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