Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
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It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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