the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
