she kept yelling 'call me bella'
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need a burrito and a hug.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
