You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
