don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
