Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
