This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
