I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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