Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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