hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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