I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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