I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just google imaged poop.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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