It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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