i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
