They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.