Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.