I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."