im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Your cock deserves a montage
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.