ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
