just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
