i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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