you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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