I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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