apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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