I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
