i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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