I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
