What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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