You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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