Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
